“I praise You because I am awesomely made wonderful; wonderful are Your works, my soul knows that very well.”

Psalm 139:14 HSV

Eliza was born in the Netherlands, but lived in the beautiful Caribbean until she was 18. She keeps this place in her heart. “Because my father is of Caribbean descent and my mother is European, I was often asked, “Do you feel more black or white?” I had to choose! I hated that, and still do. It made me struggle with self-acceptance. If I called myself black, it felt like I was selling my mother short, and if I said white, it seemed like I was rejecting my father.”

Choosing white or black felt to her like choosing one of her parents. It led Eliza into a constant search for her own place, or identity, among different worlds, cultures and races. “I felt like I was in between,” Eliza recounts, “and with that I was stuck. I was sometimes called out as “abomination,” or “poop color.” Very unpleasant! This fundamental choice in who I am and where I belong made for little self-love. And that left deep marks in my soul.”

Performance and Approval of Others

”At school it wasn’t much better. I was bullied because of my weight. From a young age, I was on a diet, counting calories and concerned with how I looked because I thought that was the only way to be accepted. Classmates often made fun of me, which made me feel hurt, embarrassed and uncomfortable.”

In her teenage years, feelings of abandonment and emotional neglect were added. Eliza: ”After my parents’ divorce, my life became a lot harder. I had to deal with challenges that I found difficult to deal with. I often felt very lonely. I had no one to talk to about my fears, worries or the changes in my body. I hid in my textbooks. I got my value from good grades and achievements. I sought the approval of others to make me feel I was good enough. And that succeeded.”

This drive for perfection and approval became a common thread in Eliza’s life. ”I lived from one achievement to another: always looking for the next high point. I made no room for emotions, telling myself that the world was dangerous and harsh, and that no one cared about me. I experienced a deep emptiness inside and tried to fill it with everything the world had to offer: status, looks, money, career, parties, and so on. Eventually I ended up in a vicious cycle of depression and unfulfilled desires.”

”Eventually I ended up in a vicious cycle of depression and unfulfilled desires.”

Bench by the Erasmus Bridge

”In 2019, I reached the lowest point of my life after a profound, traumatic experience at a festival. I ended up in a dark period full of depression, suicidal thoughts and trauma. That same year, one day everything changed when I met a man I will call a street evangelist, for lack of a better word. But if I were to be very honest, I would call him an angel of the Lord. It was a very cold winter day. I was sitting on a bench near the Erasmus Bridge in Rotterdam. The sky was gray and overcast, and the wind felt icy on my face. The weather around me reflected exactly how I felt inside: dark and heavy. The sadness I felt that day was so heavy that all I could do was sit and cry as the tears kept flowing. The world around me felt icy cold, and I sat there, completely “lost” and alone. People walked past me, but no one stopped to comfort me. The more people passed by, the lonelier I felt. I looked up and said in my heart, “God, if You really exist, help me now!” A few minutes later, something happened that I couldn’t explain. A man came up to me and told me that exactly one year ago he was sitting on the same couch, just as I am now, crying over the loss of his mother. It was a moment in his life when he questioned God and was about to let go of his faith in Him because of the pain he felt. I looked at him in amazement. Is God really that close? I asked myself. Exactly one year after the death of his mother, he had come here today to thank God. But clearly to see, God had a different plan: On this cold winter day, two people crossed paths. With the same feeling and the same question: Does God really exist? And if so, does God see my pain? Does He even love me? Through this man I was encouraged to read the Bible and invite Jesus into my life. His words to me: Trust Jesus! He is the Way, the Truth and The Life.’

“There at the Erasmus Bridge, I really met Jesus as a person.”

Although Eliza had heard about Jesus at her Catholic school, she did not know who He really was. Eliza says: ”There at the Erasmus Bridge I really met Jesus as a person. From that moment began a long journey of healing, with Jesus by my side. Due to circumstances, I lost my job and home and was going through an even darker period. But Jesus let me know several times that He is with me and that I am not alone. That is how I really experienced it and still do. It was not without trial and error, but I learned that His way is the only true way to inner peace and fulfillment.”

“[…]to the work we may do together with God we may sometimes get our hands dirty, but we need not fear the process.”

Sylvia Bakker, Destined for Miracles

Sometimes the truth hurts

”We need not fear the process,” Eliza teaches, ”and that is exactly how I experienced it myself. I was allowed to find my identity again, not in accomplishments but in BEING, just BEING His beloved daughter. This recovery is a process that is still ongoing. It is not just a process, but a deep and often difficult path. It takes time, patience, and the space to learn and grow. It requires GRACE from myself for myself. From God for me and from my environment for me. I really had to learn the importance of being kind to yourself. To be less strict with myself. Bringing the high standards to light and in line with reality. This is not always easy and requires an honest confrontation with yourself. “And sometimes the truth hurts. There are days when I forget to love myself. By reading the Bible, I remind myself that I have a Heavenly Father who always lets me know that I am loved unconditionally and that I am good enough, just the way I am.”

“If I were to paraphrase Matthew 11:28, I would say something like this: ‘It’s time to step off the treadmill of performance and acceptance, trying to earn your way into My love and favor. Just come to Me. Trust My love for you and be assured that you are not accepted because of what you can do, but because of what I have done for you. Breathe a sigh of relief, don’t stress out over your faults; just relax”.

Joyce Meyer, “Battlefield of the Mind Bible”

Freedom

Eliza: ”Ahhhh! Freedom, that’s what I get to experience now. Freedom from performance, from my traumas, from people-pleasing, from seeking validation from others, from crying out for attention and acceptance. Now I live in Rotterdam, where I share my experiences and insights with which I hope to inspire others to invite Jesus into their lives. Let Him show you the way. We all have our own struggles, and Jesus wants to meet you right there, personally and up close! What I have experienced is that Jesus knows exactly what it feels like, because He went through it Himself. He knows our pain, our struggles and our struggles – not from a distance, but from His own experience. Therefore, He can truly understand and help us.

Eliza continued: ”Let Him in. He knows you and calls you by name (Psalm 139). YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOU ARE WANTED. What my story shows is that no matter how lost or broken you feel, there is always a way forward with Jesus. There were times when I just gave up on myself and did things I’m not proud of. But Jesus came right there, in the middle of that dark place, in the middle of my shame, to remind me that I am loved and that He truly has my best interests at heart. He doesn’t promise an easy path, but He does promise that He will always be there. Even when things are scary, He will never leave you. Even on the days when you give up hope, He continues to believe in you. His love is too great to drown you in despair:”

When you become a Christian, you become completely new inside. You are as it were created anew by God. A whole new life has begun.

2 Corinthians 5:17 HTB

Tips from Eliza

Tips from Eliza for living with Jesus by your side:

1. Walk with God. Walk at His pace and give it time. Sometimes we want to get things done quickly or we want to put the unpleasant experience behind us as soon as possible. God cares about your life and sometimes something needs time to flourish. Read Ecclesiastes 3 and Joshua 1:9. Trust God and believe that He leads us, even if we don’t understand right now. As it is written, “Now you do not understand what I am doing, but later you will understand. – John 13:7. And indeed, as I look back over the past few years, I see what I could not see at the time because of all the pain. At that time my pain blinded me, preventing me from seeing the good – but God saw it all along
2. Know that you are loved. On days when you are at a loss for words, remind yourself that Jesus loves you unconditionally. Making mistakes is human, but don’t let yourself drown in shame or guilt. Jesus has already borne it for you. See Romans 8:1 and 8:31-39.
   Tip: At these times, I like to listen to worship music to find comfort and just come into God’s presence. “I Am Good” by Travis Greene. Read Psalm 139 and hold fast to His promises.
3. Seek (professional) help when needed. Based on my own experience, I know how important it is to seek the right support. Therapy can help you get through difficult times and improve your mental and emotional well-being. It’s okay to seek help.
4. Reflection and self-awareness are essential for change. Invite the Holy Spirit to show you where you may grow and mature. Ask Him to reveal the stumbling blocks that stand in the way of your development. The letter to the Galatians has helped me greatly with this and deepened my understanding of it.
   Tip: Use a journal to share your emotions with God. There are also many Christian diaries or “devotionals” that can help you with your daily reflections.
5. Stay Connected! Find a community that supports you in your growth and healing without judgment. Join a church, ask if they have connect groups or group activities where you can pray together, discuss the Bible and support each other. Growth doesn’t happen alone-surround yourself with people who walk with you!
6. YOU MAY REST. Recovery is really a process. Above all, take it one step at a time. Take time for self-care and rest in God’s love. Matthew 11:28-30 reminds us, “Come to me, you who are weary … and I will give you rest.” Let go of the pressure to perform or always do something. Sometimes your mind, body and spirit just need a rest. AND THAT’S OKAY! All in God’s time.
7. Choose a Bible translation that suits you. Go for a translation that you understand well. Personally, I like to read English versions and sometimes the Easy-To-Read Bible. And honestly? I also like children’s Bible stories-simple, clear and full of color!
8. Keep talking to God. Sometimes we have moments when we just don’t know what to say or where to start. Invite God to help you in these moments.
   
   Tips: pray the psalms, use a Christian Bible app, go for a walk outside in nature and enjoy His creation, sit in silence and invite Him to come to you, do I creative and be inspired, listen to a Bible podcast, e.g. “First This” by EO. All in all, invite Jesus to come to you and be led by His Spirit. ‘ Behold, I stand at the door and I knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in and have supper with him, and he with Me.’ – Revelation 3:20

Hasan Çolak died on the night of Aug. 25, 2024, unexpectedly after a summer evening of wine and socializing. He leaves behind his wife Bettina (47), son Julius (18) and daughter Luna (16). Bettina says: “Hasan organized his events with vision: everything always had to be perfect, it was all or nothing. His great love for Disney (Disneyland Paris) has everything to do with that. According to him, everything was right there: from the friendly cleaner, to the music from the speakers. Disney really was his happy place.”

In their living room in Rotterdam Prins Alexander, Hasan’s widow, Bettina Çolak, talks about her beloved husband. ”When I look at Hasan’s story, there has always been hope. I want that hope to stay alive.”

Hasan (48) died suddenly in August 2024. His wife Bettina says: ”Hope is still a fact for me, even if I don’t understand any of this at all.”

100% share

Hasan was born to a Dutch mother and a Turkish father. He grew up in Rotterdam-Zuid. It soon became clear that his biological parents could not care for him and he became part of a foster family.
”He was really 100 percent part of that family,” Bettina says. “His foster parents were like his real parents to him. When his foster father passed away, Hasan said to me, ‘From this father I learned the most.'”

Still, as a foster child, Hasan felt he had to prove himself more than the rest. Bettina: ”Evidence was always there with him. Everything he did had to be right.”

”Everything he did had to be right.”

Hasan & Bettina

When Bettina is asked how she would describe her relationship with Hasan, she chuckles a little. ”Our relationship has always been a bit turbulent. I’ve known Hasan since I was 16 and he asked me to go steady at the Flevo festival while the band Delirious? was playing. Then it’s been on and off a few more times before we got married in August 2003.”

Together they are happy, but what Bettina does not know is that Hasan is still deeply in debt due to his gambling addiction. ”He started gambling when he was 15, and in fact he never quite got rid of it. Until he was caught six months after we got married. I said to him then, ‘I’ll stay with you; I’ve chosen you for good times and bad, but you have to get help.’

”I’ll stay with you, but you have to seek help.”

And it did. Hasan attended intensive therapy at Hope for six months. ”That’s where he really took it on and after this process and a lot of prayer, he was able to say, ‘I’m never doing this again.’

Events for Jesus

Hasan grew up in a religious, Christian family. But despite that, Hasan could struggle with God. ”He felt disappointed at times,” Bettina says. ”He was a man full of vision, and he found God’s people especially difficult at times.” Yet Hasan felt that God was always there for him, God was really his only hold.”

From his love for God and organizing events, Hasan founded C-stars Productions: organizing events for Jesus, and preferably as big as possible.

Bettina: ”Since then he has organized an awful lot of events. His biggest dream was an event in Ahoy. He told me he used to think: one day I will organize an event on that black board. And he succeeded. His very biggest event was Joyce Meyer in Ahoy. An event for 11,000 people, where he was the producer. People didn’t believe he did that event alone (along with 1 employee), but it really was.”

”His all-time greatest was Joyce Meyer in Ahoy.”

”Getting people in touch with Jesus, that was his dearest desire,” Bettina says. ”He was a man full of ideas. In his beloved city of Rotterdam, for example, he also organized a Christmas event for the Laurenskerk and much more. He enjoyed that immensely.”

In his events, Hasan strove for perfection. ”That’s why Disney (Disneyland Paris) was also his favorite place to be: everything was right there, from the friendly cleaner, to the music from the speakers, the parades, the fireworks show. Disney was really his happy place.”

#Samen

When the Corona crisis breaks out and much emphasis is placed everywhere in the media on the word “together,” Hasan decides to make a joke of it. He invents the hashtag #samen and posts hilarious photos on his social media accounts.
Bettina: ”At one point people were just waiting for him to post something again, it really became a thing.”

Although #samen started as a joke, it grew to become the motto of Hasan’s life. ”That’s what he wanted, and that only grew recently: He wanted to bring different churches, movements and people together for Jesus. Hasan wanted to look at the big picture. We didn’t all have to stay on our own little island according to him, but go together for the kingdom, and bring Jesus to people as it is written in Matthew 28.”

”We didn’t all have to stay on our own little island, but go together for the kingdom.”

His biggest event ever

”Hasan was a man of great humor,” says Bettina. He had always jokingly said that his funeral should be grand and compelling. In addition, the song ”November Rain” had to be played while his coffin was being carried out of the church. And it did, but much sooner than he had thought.”

Because after a pleasant summer evening with friends, Hasan dies, completely unexpectedly on the night of Aug. 24-25, 2024. For a moment there is silence in the living room, before Bettina begins to speak again: ”I feel robbed of him. I am angry, very angry. But I know I am allowed to feel that anger and that God is here with me, too. God is sad with me. He hates death and that’s why he gave Jesus so that death won’t win in the end.”

”In the summer of 2024, he had still said it: his funeral was to be his biggest event ever, with all the trimmings: with November Rain out of the church, fat worship and Jesus in the middle, among the people. So the week before the funeral, the dearest acquaintances and friends worked very hard to make his wish come true: Hasan’s last, but biggest event ever. And it was fantastic, it was totally him, just the way he was.”

“His funeral was supposed to be his biggest event ever.

Intended for big things

Bettina: ”Hasan was an outspoken personality with a clear plan in his life. I myself felt much less so, until I understood how much it had meant to him that I had stayed with him despite his debts and gambling addiction. Someone then told me, “It healed his heart. And then I knew: God’s plan for my life was to be married to Hasan.’

It remains silent for a moment. ”What about now? Now that he is no longer here? Now I don’t know what God’s plan is yet. All I know is that Hasan’s passing is ”just” the result of brokenness in this world. And that there is still hope. Because Jesus is there, and he always wants to give hope.’

”Hasan used to say, ‘I was made for great things.’ And I think that’s true, because even after his death God is going to use him, I’m sure. When I look up, I see the stars, and I think of Hasan. I think about the fact that God has everything in His hand and Jesus was, and is, the hope of the world for Hasan, and for me. Stars are sometimes just a small light, but they always remedy the darkness. And with that thought, I feel that hope stays with me forever, anchored in my soul.”